It feels so good to laugh!

I know when I laugh everything is better. For awhile I forget all the junk that weighs us down in life. I forget my problems and things are just easier to accomplish. Here's hopin' you get a kick out of these jokes. I want you to smile.
Thanks again David. You make us all happier!

Household Hints by Martha Stewart and some common sense alternatives!

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway! To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you! If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.' If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!' Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.. Celery? Never heard of it! Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't. Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The jokes below reflect my cousin's male approach to life. But they still make me laugh. By the way, he hasn't found a woman who will fulfill all of his dreams. Wonder why Dave? What's in a Name? A woman scanned the 20 guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold." "That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?" "No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry. "What's your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. That ends my jokes for today blog. Thanks everyone for reading my blog. I hope you laugh!!!

My Cousin And More Jokes

My cousin Dave is a nut. A fun nut. He would do the craziest things when we were kids and he always made me laugh. One time he drove us right into Lake Champlain on his motorcycle. It really was cool flying through the air, but I don't know about the bike.
He was the king of making faces, he still is. Whenever I was with him we usually got into trouble somehow. But I loved it. Here's to you Dave, (by the way they're your jokes).

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within 5 minutes police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Don't Mess With Old Ladies A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! To all the cousins we hung with when we were kids. We had fun didn't we?

Pet Peeves-Got Any?

People are different, each of us has something unique about us that makes us special. Today I watched a customer at a deli counter, be rude to the girl waiting on her behind it. Now as far as I am concerned, I wouldn't irritate the person who was currently handling my food. So then I started to think about my pet peeves. I don't know as I have more than anyone else does, but they seem to bother me.

First, I hate rude people. Like the customer at the deli counter talking down to her server. I always try to be nice. Then they offer me a taste.

I don't like lies. I personally always got caught, because I couldn't remember I lied. It isn't true so it doesn't stay in my head. I don't like it, I'd rather hear the truth than a lie, it doesn't work. And when someone lies to me and I catch them, I don't trust them anymore.

I don't like grouchy people. You know the ones who have road rage, or just act snotty. They are apt to be lonely.

Rude gestures, that finger should break buddy. Smile it shocks them.

People who run over others. Slow down, you'll only get there five minutes before me, and you will probably still have to wait. I mean literally too. Don't walk over someone to get where you want to go. It will come back to you.

Don't be late though. It's rude.(See above)

Stealing, give me back my change, if you deserve a tip, I'll give you one. Ever go to lunch and everyone leaves their money on the table. But the amount left is always short, and you end up stuck with the bill. You know who you are, it's stealing.
(Stealing includes taking anything that is not yours without permission)

Impolite men, open the darn door for me. I deserve the respect. Women love a guy who is a gentlemen, smells good and treats them right. Nice pecs help too.

Cursing, it makes a person look stupid and low life. I remember years ago I used the bad one and it was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well there never is a right time. But I was embarrassed when it came out. So I have been careful ever since.

So tell me people, what are your pet peeves, let's see what anyone else comes up with.

Next blog, I'll tell you what I like. Like my cousin who makes me laugh.
I got a list of that stuff too!